In a 2018 article, the Columbus Dispatch reported that Ohio State football player Robert Flanders had his joy of Christmas muted by his Father’s murder.
Flanders shares the following thoughts about navigating that trauma
“Christmas is so close to the anniversary of my father passing away, the best way to put it is it’s the reminder of a bittersweet day. We still had gifts, we still had a Christmas tree that year, but it’s a milestone in my life I will never forget.”
“I thought it was like a dream I couldn’t wake myself up from,” Landers said. “I
would be going through the day, have thoughts about my father, and it was just
unreal.”
“As painful as it was, there has been a benefit that endures. “It has made me
appreciate the little moments, the special moments you have with the ones you
love.”
“And it has made me realize that everybody has a clock. So whatever time that
you get, such as the holidays, you take advantage to express the love you have for
your family and cherish those moments, because you never know when it’s
going to be the last one.”
How might this story be helpful to a student who experiences trauma?
Wow! I follow OSU football, but did not hear about this. It brought tears to my eyes. I am very thankful I never experienced a trauma such as this. I think Robert Flanders is trying not to dwell on the negative (although there will always be memories of that day), but rather, he’s trying to gather a positive from this. And it shows a student who has experienced trauma, that although we may not see it at the time, if we try, we can gather comfort knowing some good can come out of this negative situation. We live in a fallen world, and life will throw us setbacks. How long we set back is our choice, or we can move on and use that as a testimony to help others along the way. And by helping others, we help ourselves!
This story illustrates how the pain doesn’t disappear, but also how you can use your trauma as a tool to help you grow. It’s shows that the pain/trauma doesn’t get erased, but you can still move forward. I think that it shows that you don’t have to try to force yourself to find something good/positive about the traumatic event (I feel like a lot of times people try to help others feel better by trying to get them to find a bright side, when, in reality there is nothing “bright” about a traumatic event and trying to get people to force something positive out of the traumatic event itself diminishes the event and can make people bury their true feelings more), but you can use it to help you find a positive way to move forward. His father’s murder was horrible for him, nothing could change that. However, he learned to look at things differently moving forward so that he can make the most of the moments he still has with all of the other people in his life.
Working with a student going through trauma, it could be helpful to share how some can look at appreciating what we have in life. I am not sure sharing this particular story would be appropriate. It depends on where a student is in their own trauma. I could see talking about how others go through difficult times and the way they are able to keep moving forward each day is to focus on some good. I do not believe there is always a reason for terrible things happening but helping a student shift their mindset to focus on being grateful can be helpful. Gratitude is very powerful in seeing hope and living a positive life, despite trauma.
This story is reminiscent of our family’s loss of our nephew in a motorcycle accident at the age of 22. Since his death, my sister-in-law, husband and remaining adult children have struggled to finding joy in their lives, let alone holidays. These loving and devoted parents have shared that there hasn’t been a day in the last 12 years, in which their grief hasn’t hit them just as it did when they received that fateful telephone call from the hospital.
These relatives have found a home and solace in sharing their experiences with others who have lost children. (Compassionate Friends is a wonderful organization!) We have suffered losses in our lives, but being empathetic to a loss, is not the same as having walked in their shoes. Helping a student realize that there are others who can truly share that they’ve been in their shoes and really connect with their grief, may be the best we can do to help others deal with their grief.
Obviously, providing a safe space for a student to share their loss and being provided those words of encouragement and support are critical. Hopefully, these students have the support to permit and encourage them to be able to seek out others for the peer support.
I think stories such as these can be helpful for
I love the outlook he has! “As painful as it was, there has been a benefit that endures. It has made me appreciate the little moments, the special moments you have with the ones you love.” This is a great mindset shift we can share with our students who have lost someone. This doesn’t necessarily work for everyone though, because I have several students who relive the trauma by having to go spend time with an abusive relative for the holidays or they don’t know when their next meal will be throughout the 2 weeks we are off. Finding stories of hope that they will relate to as well will help students in these situations get through the breaks as well.
This could help a student with trauma in one way by letting them know that others also experience trauma and loss. They are not alone. It’s important to see that someone was able to live tthrough this and is able to in a sense be ok without forgetting what happened. I think as adults we are more open to understanding the value of every moment and the people around us, but we can try to instill this in our students. It may help them focus less on the trauma and more on how to move forward.